This is me without you

I’m not really sure where to start. It’s been a rough year. It was great for about 4 months after I met my mother, then things started going down hill. I’m not going to deny that most of the reasons why things went south are my doing, I know I’ve made mistakes, but now I’m paying for them and it hurts. I have a lot of issues with the reasons why my mother wasn’t around. I understand the situation, but I don’t understand why she never came looking for me, and I tend to hold this over her head and use it against her. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help thinking about everything that I missed out on if I were to have been raised by her. She has this undeniable bond with my brothers and I feel left out. When I’m around her and her family I feel like my presence isn’t as important to her as theirs is. She’s told me that I’m special to her and important but I’m not around her enough to truly feel it. I hate that even though I’ve lived without her for 23 years, and now I know her, I still have to live my life separate from her and she just doesn’t understand that feeling. We’ve fought on and off for the past 5 months, things would be going well for a while, but then the doubt would creep back in my mind and I’d go off on her. She started pulling away from me and it scared me, so I became needy and it made her resent me. This she told me. She doesn’t deny that we had some sort of bond, but it wasn’t the mother/daughter bond that I so desperately wanted. She wasn’t ready for that. So the past couple of months have been particularly difficult and as of right now we no longer have any contact. I know this is mainly my fault, but I don’t want her to think I’m a bad person, or that I’m heartless, because I’m not. I know what type of person I am, and I know I’ve hurt her because I’ve held things over her head. I don’t blame her for the shitty things that have happened to me in my past, I don’t blame her for anything really, I just want to know that after 23 years of not having me around that I mean something to her. That maybe she would make more of an effort to spend time with me and get to know me. I told her that she would never know who I am the way she knows who my brothers are as people. In a way, I’m right about that. She raised them. The things she knows about them are the things that she helped mold into them. It’s not the same for me and thats what saddens me beyond belief. I’m not saying she will never know me, but there are things that she never will know. and the things she can know, it seems as though she has no desire to learn. Right now, I don’t know what will happen between us. I’m in therapy and she’s moving on with her life. I’m here, alone, and she’s there with my brothers, nephew and sister-in-law. And they’re happy, and I have no part in that. I just wish I could find some peace of mind. I wish that I could turn back time and open that mailbox to find her letter and do everything differently. I want my mother and I to have great relationship the way a mother and daughter should. But I’ve pretty much ruined that. I know it’s not all my fault, but the way I’ve acted is. I could’ve done things differently, but I didn’t and now I’m paying for it. 

(Source: feedy0urmind)

The other day I went to visit my mom and little brother. My other brother came to visit with his fiance and son and we all just hung out and had a good time. After they had left and my youngest brother was asleep in front of the fire, my mother and I shared a chair and sat cuddled together talking. It was one of the best conversations I could ever dream up, only it was real. What got me the most was when she told me that she felt complete and was truly happy. Who knew that I could ever make someone feel complete? She also told me that she had never dreamed I would call her mom and made a big deal about it when I did. I’m afraid though that it will all wear off. I’m afraid that one day she’ll take it for granted when I call her mom; that it won’t be a big deal anymore. Or that cuddling with her and being able to hold her hand won’t be as special as it is now. I’m also afraid that if the daughter she put up for adoption comes around and wants mom to be part of her life, that I’ll no longer be special. In a way I do want to meet my sister and have her be a part of what I have now, but is it wrong that I want my mother all to myself? That if this other child comes along and is a better person than I am, that mom will forget about me and how my presence makes her feel complete. Its obvious that I have some issues to work through, but I shouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet.

It wasn’t just her fault. Yea she stayed away, but they pushed her away. They kept her from me. I will never forgive any of them.

mudpie1 asked: I see that your blog says that it is for teens and young adults..I am not that. In fact I am 43 and my husband and I have adopted a little girl..well she was nine at the time and is now 11. I would love to be able to ask some questions to help me help her as her adoptive mom..and think your opinion could be valuable are you okay with that? So, I haven't yet read much on your blog but will do so. We are not hiding anything from our girl, we don't know where her parents are at this time and have stated that once she is 18 we will help her find them. I am creating a scrapbook for her with all the pictures I have of her birth dad, I have no pictures of birth mom, but created a page for her anyway..she does have a birth sister who is being adopted by someone else but we are in agreement and have become close to her adoptive parents to keep them connected to one another..she also has a half brother that is younger she has no contact with at this time...any thoughts you have on our situation would be most appreciated..

and this is specifically for those of you who are contemplating looking for a birth parent.

Since meeting my mother I have had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Not only because my mother and I get along great, or even because she is now a part of my life, but because I finally found answers. Not knowing who you are is a huge burden to live with, and you can’t truly know who you are unless you know where you came from. When my mother told me the history of how everything went down and her decision to leave, it hurt like hell, and I didn’t like hearing it, but that day I can honestly say that I felt free. Free from the guessing and wondering, free from walking around feeling empty and free to finally feel like I can be the person I’m supposed to be. Every person has a story to tell, and I think that birth parents have the right to explain to their child why they did what they did. The whole process of looking and finding is confusing, hurtful, sad, and also happy, but its a process you have to be prepared to handle no matter what the outcome is. I can promise you that once you find the answers you seek from the one you need to hear them from, whether they’re good or bad answers, life will be different. You’ll find yourself with more understanding and possibly patience in any given situation. You’ll have a better understanding of people’s decisions, and you’ll have a better understanding of yourself. Think about it.

formydearmom-deactivated2011050 asked: Thank you so much for following me, I think your blog is such a great idea.

Thank you and you’re very welcome! Anytime you want to talk feel free to send me a message :)